Robie Harris: In gratitude

Robie Harris, a passionate advocate for approaching children with nothing less than the truth, has died. That’s a link to the PW obituary with many anecdotes and quotes from people who knew her well and have memories to share, and I encourage you to read it.

My story is not that of a friend or colleague, but of a reader, a book-buyer, a parent.

The first Robie Harris book we got was It’s So Amazing! back when the Changeling was three and started asking questions which, in hindsight, were quite precocious. (The Spriggan is very different and his questions are about where his friendly mosquitoes sleep at night, and do I like his bats? These are creatures he is very familiar with and no one else can see. So far, reality is less interesting to him.) I answered all the precocious questions as well as I could and quickly became swamped– and went to the library and, above all, to the Children’s Book Shop where Terri took me by the hand, as she always did. (Oh, how I miss the Children’s Book Shop!) I had a few books to start with, but only one stuck: It’s So Amazing! It was the best by a long mile, and it’s taken me the seven years since to understand why.

I am so lucky I had that Children’s Book Shop to guide me in those days of parenthood. Instinctively, I knew I wanted excellence and truth for my child. Big book shops can be bewildering there; I’ve still never been to Powell’s and, if I’m honest, I have no desire to go there. I remember being nervous, initially, of asking Terri for help finding a book about bodies and sexuality for a three-year-old, not because I didn’t think it was right, but because I was worried she might judge me, she might not understand how hard it was to satisfy that serious little girl with my paltry information!

But Terri did understand, and she was a proponent of the truth, and she knew who to reach for who would never patronize and never shuffle away from telling a practical truth– even when the truth is that some people do feel a bit like shuffling and stammering and hiding in a book whereas others are excited and ebullient and want to hear and tell it all all all. That is one of the truths that doesn’t, in my opinion, get lauded enough in talking about Robie Harris. She doesn’t just give the truth of the latest research or the truth about bodies and so on.

She gives the human truth: Humans are complicated, they change, and that’s perfectly normal.

I have written before about emotional truths and I still think that’s the most important thing I’ve posted here. The fact is that I didn’t need the content of the book that badly– except for the part where I could hand it to the kid and get a blessed 15 minutes’ peace while she read it before she came up with “did you know…?” I did need permission to give that information, and we both needed the validation that embarrassment and hesitation is normal. The need for privacy and time is normal. Everyone goes at their own pace, and that’s ok. More than that, it’s amazing, because human variety is amazing. You, the parent? You’re doing great. You, the kid? You’re amazing, you’re awesome!

Robie Harris is incredibly, beautifully validating.

I do not think I am the only parent who felt nervous asking for a book about sex for a precocious little Changeling. Many of us grew up with awkwardness, shame, and insufficient information– or with questions being deferred and dismissed, or being lied to, or… it goes on. I was pretty lucky, overall, but absolutely I was scared and angry the first few times I was faced with being cat-called or whistled at, and absolutely I was dismissed or blamed for expressing it: “You’re bragging, you can’t take a compliment, you’re inviting it…” I got all of that. And I knew I wanted better for my kid, but I had all my old confusion. I needed help to get past that.

Robie Harris didn’t just help my daughter; she helped me. “Yes, it’s ok. I can help answer those questions,” her books told me, “but also– did you know that your body is amazing? Did you know that you’re perfectly normal? Did you know that not only your kids are wonderful, but you are, too? You’re doing fine, Mama!”

Robie Harris was an advocate for truth, and I sure hope that her legacy lives on for generations. Book banners have gone for her, hard and fierce, because they do not want us to feel validated. Defy that– and own the truth: You are perfectly normal. A perfectly amazing author said so.